It’s been a while since my last post. It’s been a while since I had time to post anything actually.
This year, a lot happened. Most of the things that happened were life changing experiences that not so many people can handle well. I don’t even know if I’m handling anything well. If not feeling anything is handling it well then I’m perfectly fine, because I don’t feel anything but tiredness.
This year I was on my way to start university in America, which I thought would be a great experience considering the fact that I’ve always wanted to study abroad, specifically in California. California wasn’t the best choice I reckon. The states had its bad side. It’s expensive lifestyle and need for transportation made it very difficult. The bus system was horrible, and I’d end up in cities I never heard of sometimes. Basically, a car is a must in Sunny California, which was always raining and freezing up until a couple of weeks before I decided to come back home, and stay here for my bachelor’s degree.
A few weeks after I arrived to the States, my grandfather passed away. That was a really hard thing to swallow while I was so far away, and I couldn’t believe it because I wasn’t there, I actually still don’t believe it. It did happen, and I’m not over it. I didn’t get to be with my family at the time, because I was too busy trying to settle in a new environment where everything felt like a scene out of a movie. Settling in was hard, and I never did finish settling. I actually still didn’t hang my mirrors or put up my curtains. I guess I always knew I was coming back.
Riverside is a small city, and the Extension Center was even smaller. A place where I really did feel like home with all the judgmental people and my experiences with them. Their only question seemed to be “Are you here alone?” after which I’d receive a gaze that mirrors as disappointment in their eyes when I’d say yes. We’ve come a long way, but not so long that mentalities would change. It didn’t bother me much, but after a while people just never stopped talking, and talk in a small city reaches a big crowd. One word turns into another, and at the end of the week, I’m considered a rebel. People won’t stop talking, but I did stop caring.
Having friends is one of the simplest things you do in life, it’s a natural thing that you do when meeting new people. You have to pick the ones you keep close, because not everyone is as trust-worthy as they may seem at first. Picking the right people can influence so many aspects in your life. Being social is definitely a must, but there’s a limit to the times in which you should be social. Sometimes it’s good to stay home and just have alone time and space to think about the near future, and what you’d like to do later on. When you’re really busy, you have little time to think about tomorrow.
Tomorrow came, and my flight back was hectic. I came back home, and it felt so good to be here. I thought of the day I left and realized that time flies, and everything happens in a blink of an eye. Coming home was a challenge between me, myself, and I. I didn’t know if I wanted to be back until that moment I saw my family at the airport and realized that I belonged with them.
Everything changed though. People changed, and I changed even more. I expected everything to go back to the way it was, but I realized that I can’t expect people and things to pause and wait for me the way they are. Everything changes, everyone moves on. Your friends become distant, your relatives get married, your sister becomes a teenager, your brother grows an Afro, and your parents give you a curfew again. That’s the way it is, and perhaps it’s for the best.
Life starts to get back on track, and I start having fun again. Visiting family, seeing friends I’ve been missing for a long time. Catching up on all that’s new, and meeting two little munchkins that call you auntie. Things are getting better, and I’m happy again. I’m glad that I’m able to breathe, and feel everyone so close. That last thing I needed was another blow…
The biggest shock of all time is when your sister wakes you up on April 1st, and tells you that your perfectly healthy grandmother passed away. What’s the reaction to that? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. As devastated as everyone was, we were happy for her because she got everything she wanted. Her will was to be buried in Al-Medina, and she was. A day before she passed away, she went to the pet shop with her daughter-in-law and bought a kitten. She’s always loved cats, and when she asked me to give all her cats away before I left to the States I was shocked. She even gave away her favorite cat, Samara. She missed them, and she bought a new one that we named Lola. My grandmother’s nickname was Lola.
It’s still April, but I want 2011 to be over. I just want to rest for a while. I want to breathe and laugh, I want to smile and be happy for more than 2 days if that’s possible. I don’t think peace is too much to ask for. World peace too. It seems as though 2012 might as well be the end of the world, because when I’m asked “What’s Left?” all I can say is nothing.
lamaness.com 
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