Bittersweet Understanding

There are things that come naturally to some, and to others it often feels like the battle of a lifetime.

I sometimes wonder how it is that I understand and observe my surroundings, allowing them to sink into me. When it comes to myself, however, I am left baffled with confusion and uncertainty. I do things and choose paths by doing nothing other than “going with the flow”. But isn’t it only dead fish that flow?

I aspire to understand myself. Why I am the way I am, and why everything I’ve done to this day seems like it was not my choice to make. I see the bigger picture of my life and how I’d like it to be, then wonder why I didn’t work harder to get there. I am in constant misunderstanding with myself, and the idea that some people know exactly what they want from life sparks a sense of envy in me that I otherwise would never feel. I care not about what people have or what they do, but only want for myself the same fulfillment that they seem to have.

It frustrates me, the feeling that life has boxed me into what it wants me to be, throwing guide-less opportunities at me. Yet, I take them. Perhaps thinking it is better than nothing, or that maybe this will lead me somewhere closer to where I want to be.

At the moment, it feels like an endless maze of doors inviting me into more hallways of open doors, not knowing where they’ll lead me.